Help I'm Alive
by Kaslyna
Summary: If I stumble, they're gonna eat me alive. A oneshot that explores Amanda's backstory and life. High T, mentions of rape and drug abuse. May update after the finale. Enjoy!


**A/N: I really wanted to write a backstory fic for Amanda, so here it is. I might also do one for Nolan, and maybe Stahma. Who knows?**

Amanda Rosewater was born in 2011, two years before the Arks arrived on Earth. She was born to parents who loved her, despite not having planned to have a child so soon in their marriage. They'd met at work, both lawyers who wanted to go places, and having a child was something they'd seen in a near-distant future, but when the pregnancy test Amanda's mother took on a hunch turned up positive, they decided that it was a sign and to keep her.

Then the arks arrived. All Amanda remembers from that day is her dad rocking her, telling her over and over again, "Don't worry, don't worry" while her mother sobbed and locked herself in her room, muttering to herself "This isn't real, this isn't happening" until the words choked in her throat and faded into nothingness.

Fast-forward to 2017. The tensions between the Votans and the humans was reaching its crescendo, but for the Rosewater family, a birth was being celebrated. Meet Kenya Rosewater, a baby who'd been planned and wanted more than anything in the world. Amanda was barely six, but she nevertheless swore that she'd protect the tiny pink bundle her mother let her hold-with her father's help, of course.

Those were the idyllic years, between 2017 and 2023. When everything was okay and Amanda got to be a child, despite the detente between the Votans and humans. She was able to pretend everything was fine and even ignore the increasing arguments between her parents; her father wanted to enlist, just in case, and Amanda's mother wasn't having any of it. It was during one of these fights that Amanda found out what a surprise baby was, and that she was one. Though her parents assured her that it didn't mean they loved her less than her sister-who was planned-Amanda couldn't help but feel a niggling seed of doubt plant itself in her heart.

It was the first time Amanda hardened herself against the cruelty of truth.

**xXxXxXx**

2023. The war begins, and it's creeping ever closer to the Rosewater's door. Amanda's father enlisted a year prior, despite his wife's pleas and promises that if he walked out the door, he could never come back. Kenya is almost six, and Amanda is about to turn twelve. Their mother refuses to get up without consistent prodding from her oldest and tears from her youngest, choosing instead to live in her room, where she feels nothing bad can hurt her.

Then the war starts, and something inside of Amanda's mother snaps. When they hear the artillery fire for the first time (rat-a-tat-tat-boom), Amanda's mother holes Amanda with Kenya in their parents' walk-in closet while their mother goes outside. When she returns, she's pale as a wraith, anguish on her face that she can't hide. And when she demands, physically hauling Kenya up from Amanda's arms, that they go to the basement unit of an apartment complex three blocks north and two blocks west, Amanda doesn't dare to argue.

They stay in that apartment until Amanda's twelfth birthday. On that day, Amanda's mother leaves, and when she returns just before dusk, she has with her a gift. It's a package of Oreos that she found scavenging, open and half missing. Nevertheless, it's the best gift Amanda's ever gotten, and she bursts into tears as she watches a ravenous, half-starved Kenya tear into the Oreos like it's the last meal she'll eat. And maybe it will be, because later, the rat-a-tat-tat-boom of the artillery, the whistling of grenades, is far too close for their mother's comfort. When Amanda wakes up, entwined with her baby sister, and their mother is gone, the panic blooms across her chest.

She doesn't dare wake Kenya; she stares wide-eyed at the ceiling until dawn, when the scrape of a door announces their mother's return. Amanda cries silently as she pretends to be asleep for their mother's sake. And when their mother wakes them, an hour and a half later, she doesn't ask about Amanda's red eyes.

"Come on," she's waving at them, "We have to hurry!"

"Where are we going?" Amanda asks as she gets up, lifting a bleary-eyed Kenya with her.

"I found an apartment," their mother huffs, "We don't have much time. Grab what you can and let's go, Amanda!"

Amanda nods, and the two of them pack duffel bags, ending up with only three between them. Amanda carries one and Kenya; her mother carries the other two. They'd divided supplies between the two of them, silently agreeing that no matter what, Kenya would never be alone. They run, and in the distance Amanda thinks she sees a corpse. She gags but doesn't dare vomit. She doesn't until later, in their new apartment that's almost completely across Manhattan, when they're safe.

Two weeks pass, and Amanda's mom takes her to scavenge for the first time, leaving Kenya in the care of two mothers and their three kids between them. They glare at Amanda and her mother, but say nothing when Amanda's mother wordlessly placates them with a half-full sack of rice and two bags of beef jerky-a week's worth of food for them, now a bargaining chip to keep Kenya safe.

When Amanda's mother abandons her, promising to be by the Hudson River, a small part of Amanda isn't surprised. Wasn't that essentially what their father did a year and a half ago? Instead of dwelling on the betrayal, instead of beating herself up, she goes to find Kenya. And it's later, as she gives the pendant to her sister as they hide, she knows she made the right decision by telling her their mother died. It's too shameful to admit and will open up too many questions if Amanda admits that their mother left them because she didn't want to go back for Kenya.

They find a new apartment, but the need to move is strong. Eventually they find themselves walking through flooded subway tunnels until they reach Brooklyn, where they move around, holing themselves up except to scavenge, for the next six and a half years. Amanda watches Kenya grow from a lanky, half-starved almost six year old to a corpse-like fourteen year old in what feels like minutes. She herself grows, and curves come but don't stick because any food she gets, two-thirds goes to Kenya.

She wouldn't have it any other way.

**xXxXxXx**

"Amanda," Kenya singsongs in her best cutesy voice. Amanda's earthy eyes blink open, frowning at her little sister who sits on top of her torso.

"What time is it?" Amanda slurs, instantly alert despite the fact that her voice hasn't caught up.

"I dunno," Kenya shrugs, grinning ear to ear.

"What's wrong?" Amanda demands, more alert now, sleepiness washing away.

"Nothing, silly!" Kenya pouts, "Don't tell me you honestly forgot your own twentieth birthday!"

Amanda laughs, for the first time in years, "Is that all, monkey?"

"I'm not a monkey," Kenya crosses her arms across her ample chest, "God, Amanda. I try to be all nice and sisterly for your birthday and you _forget_."

"Just because I forgot your thirteenth," Amanda pinches the bridge of her nose, "Doesn't mean you have to guilt me."

"I'm not," Kenya frowns, "God, when did you become so sullen? Live a little, Amanda!"

"I'll live a little when we're not half-dead," Amanda snaps.

Kenya crawls off her sister dejectedly, frowning and pouting. Amanda instantly feels remorse and hugs her sister to her, rubbing her arms gently.

"Hey," Amanda tries again, gentler now, "I'm sorry."

Kenya looks up, lower lip quivering like it did when they were kids, "It's okay. Oh, I got you something, though!"

Now Amanda feels worse, and it must show, but Kenya wisely says nothing and goes to rummage for something in their pile of clothes. A triumphant look spreads across her face and she brings something wrapped in yellowing newspapers to Amanda, grinning ear to ear. Amanda can't help a small smile back at her.

"Well? Open it!" Kenya claps her hands together, unable to stay mad or upset for long.

Amanda does so, and she chuckles a little. It's a half-open box of Oreos. The cookies are long stale and mostly crumbs, but Amanda looks at her sister's hopeful look and takes one. She gives it first to Kenya, who frowns and doesn't eat it until Amanda's gotten one down herself. Then they munch on stale Oreos until they're all done and Amanda decides that it's not worth wasting real food; besides, they can use the fattening.

There's a knock at the door, and the sisters share a surprised look. Only two people know where they live-a homeless man named Jimmy down the block, and a woman named Olivia who died three weeks ago going into Manhattan to scavenge.

"Who is it?" Amanda calls, voice shaky. She nods to Kenya, who scurries off to hide by unspoken agreement.

"It's just me," Jimmy calls, and Amanda opens the door.

He's grinning ear to ear, something beyond unusual. Even more unusual is when he hugs Amanda and lets out a choked sob of relief. She pats his back awkwardly and waits for him to pull away, sobering almost immediately.

"What is it?" Amanda asks, wary.

"It's over," Jimmy breathes, grinning stupidly, "It's finally over."

"What's over?" Kenya asks, coming into the room.

"The war!" Jimmy declares, and Amanda snorts.

"How would you know?" Amanda crosses her arms across her chest.

"Because there was a radio broadcast," Jimmy explains, "A Casti and a human. My God, it's actually over! After the Defiant Few, I was sure it'd be soon, but only a month later... wow! It's incredible."

Amanda starts crying then, and then Kenya follows her lead. And Jimmy just watches the two sisters hugging, smiling dumbly and thanking God for saving them, despite the Arkfalls and the terraforming and the war that's ravaged the world.

"Best. Birthday. Ever," Amanda sobs into Kenya's shoulder, who chuckles and rubs her older sister's back.

And the three celebrate with an old bottle of Scotch Amanda had found a few weeks ago, declaring it for a special occasion only.

**xXxXxXx**

People slowly trickle back into Manhattan. The Earth Republic is formed from the Earth Military Coalition, and Manhattan becomes its base of operations. Amanda and Kenya start going into Manhattan via the subway tunnels that once took them out. Bodies are being cremated daily on what once was Long Island, and the funeral pyres have smoke that trickles upwards to the heavens like a thanks from the people.

For the first time since their mother died, Amanda finds their old neighborhood. She and Kenya scavenge it clean before they head to the Hudson. They take with them the only photograph of their mother and a bottle of Scotch, mindful to stay sober enough to guard their spoils. They set fire to the photo and spread the ashes in the river. They'd never found their mother's body, and this impromptu funeral is all they'll ever get. They cook dinner in an abandoned apartment, and eating rice and stale stewed tomatoes feels like a feast.

Time passes. Kenya grows curvier, and Amanda does, too, though not nearly as much. Too many years of malnutrition of stolen her curves, but Kenya grows everyday still. Amanda gets her first job as a janitor at the Earth Republic's Brooklyn outpost building. With it comes a swanky new apartment in what once was a bad neighborhood, with only one bedroom. The sisters don't mind; they alternate between sharing the air mattress and crashing together on the couch when they're restless. Kenya and Amanda grow ever closer, sharing everything.

"I kissed a boy today," announces sixteen year old Kenya.

"Was it good?" Amanda asks, smiling despite herself. She knows the sort of trouble they could be in if one of them ends up pregnant, but Kenya is so youthful and innocent she can't spoil her fun yet. Amanda had lost her virginity to a nameless man in a raid when she'd been scavenging in 2026. She'd been fifteen, and her silence cost her her innocence but rewarded her her life, and by extension, Kenya's. She'd never spoken of it to Kenya, but she thinks from the looks Kenya gives her sometimes that she just knows, in that way that sisters often do.

Kenya shrugs, "It was fine. I'd like to do it again. It wasn't my first kiss, you know."

"Oh?" Amanda quirks an eyebrow; that she did not know.

"Yeah," Kenya bites her lower lip shyly, like she thinks she'll get into trouble, "My first was last summer. With that girl, Anya. I liked it."

"So you like girls," Amanda shrugs, blasé, because honestly? This is nothing compared to a litany of issues that they've had to face.

"And guys," Kenya corrects, grinning wolfishly now, "Just because Jace had no practice doesn't mean he won't be good in the future."

Amanda groans, tells her as gently as possible, "Kenya, whatever you do, two rules: first, don't get pregnant, use a condom, whatever. Second, I don't ever wanna know how far anyone-guy or girl-gets with my baby sister. That's way too much information. We good?"

"We're good," Kenya smirks, like she knows Amanda's uncomfortable, "So. How'd your date go?"

That's the other thing-Amanda had had a date. Her first. With a man named Connor Lang who was visiting from the Manhattan office and accidentally spilled coffee and was nice enough to clean it up-until he was a stuttering mess because he'd "never seen such a pretty janitor". Amanda's pretty sure she should've been insulted, but instead she'd been simply flattered.

"It went well," Amanda bites her own lip, "He wants to see me again."

Kenya squeals in delight, "Yay! That's so great, Amanda! Let's celebrate!"

"Celebrate what?" Amanda chuckles.

"My first kiss with a boy and your first date?" Kenya is bouncing up and down, and she grabs Amanda's hands and lifts her up, "Come on, come on! Let's dance and get drunk on Scotch!"

So they do, laughing and dancing and being young well into the night.

**xXxXxXx**

Connor is beyond sweet. He's also considerate, and for the first time in forever, Amanda feels like she's her age. When she admits what happened on a raid those years ago, during a makeout session that gets too heated, he simply hugs her while she breaks down. He's also good with Kenya, treating her like one of his many younger sisters. He's one of five-an older brother and three younger sisters, with his mom being one of three and his dad one of eight. He's from a huge family, and they all adore Amanda and Kenya.

Amanda's favorite sister is Colleen; born in 2013, she was sassy and bold and everything Amanda wasn't but wanted to be. The birth order went: Ryan, born in 2007, Connor, born in 2009, Colleen, born in 2013, Emma, born in 2014, and finally Jillian, born in 2018. Jillian is Kenya's best friend, and Amanda's never seen her sister smile so much. She has a feeling they're more than friends-so does Connor, but neither confronts them. It doesn't matter, so long as they're happy.

He proposes over a family dinner and Amanda is too shocked to say anything but yes. It's only later, when it hits her what saying yes means, that she feels the first trickles of dread and fear.

But Kenya is ecstatic, especially when they move back into Manhattan. Amanda gets a job as a secretary at the Manhattan office, and Connor's apartment is two bedrooms and a den. The three fit comfortably; he never dares ask Amanda if Kenya can live elsewhere, and she loves him for it.

Love isn't something she's accustomed to, besides Kenya, whom she knows she'll never stop loving and fighting for. She's said "I love you" to Connor a grand total of four times, but they all have their demons and he doesn't comment on her lack of wordiness as a sign of lack of commitment. He's crazy about her, and she loves him, too, but she isn't sure she's in love with him. Nevertheless, she knows that what matters is not Connor but Kenya, and she's so, so happy that Amanda couldn't run away if she tried.

Amanda marries Connor in a big ceremony in the spring of 2034, almost a year after they'd met. They dance and get drunk and their wedding night is sweet and gentle and nothing like Amanda's first time, despite the amount of alcohol they'd consumed. She doesn't want to dwell on the fact that she had to get drunk to have sex with her husband.

The next year and a half is a whirlwind. The happy couple's differences become starker, yet Amanda never fights with Connor, and vice versa. Kenya's moved on from Jillian to a boy named Mark, and Kenya insists the split was amicable. It must be, because Jillian still visits Kenya, and at family dinner night they're as close as can be.

Then one day, in January of 2036, Amanda faints while cooking dinner. Kenya and Connor insist on the hospital, and when she's there, she receives the news of her life: she's pregnant. Connor is over the moon and Kenya can't stop grinning, but there's worry in her eyes like she _knows_ this isn't good for Amanda. Amanda watches Kenya pull Connor aside to try to tell him, gently, that maybe this isn't the best time. But he insists it is, and that's when Amanda makes the decision. Because how can she have a baby she didn't want and wasn't ready for when this world is so cruel? How can she ever risk becoming her own mother?

She tells the Indogene doctor that she wants an abortion. And when she comes home two days later, she's no longer pregnant. She avoids Connor for a week and a half before he demands how she and the baby are doing and she snaps.

"I'm not pregnant, Connor," she snarls.

"What?" he looks thunderstruck, hurt, "But the doctor said-"

"I aborted," Amanda's shoulders slump, "I'm sorry."

Then there's silence, and soon after, a screaming match that leaves both in tears. When Kenya returns from God knows where, Amanda explains coolly that she and Connor are getting a divorce, and that she aborted the baby. Kenya smiles a little and tells her whatever's best for Amanda is good enough reason for her, and Amanda loves her even more.

The divorce isn't finalized until March of 2037, after a year of argument and court. Three months later, Amanda makes the decision to move them west, towards what once was Saint Louis but is now a small mining settlement not controlled by the Earth Republic. It sounds perfect, and Kenya agrees.

On July 1, 2037, Kenya and Amanda set out for the midwest, not knowing what'll be in store for them when they get there, if anything at all.

**xXxXxXx**

A month passes, and they're around Chicago. It's a frozen wasteland, and they're out of options. There's no way to continue without food to bargain with, but Kenya and Amanda are nothing if not resourceful. And so Amanda tries to hide her guilt while Kenya sells herself for a ticket to Saint Louis, now known as Defiance.

They get into trouble more times than they can count, but finally, finally, in late October of 2037, they arrive, shivering, exhausted, emotionally beaten down, in Defiance. They immediately settle at the inn, where Kenya hits it off with the charming owner, Hunter Bell. He offers her work for their room, and Amanda feels ashamed that she hasn't gotten a job and heads to City Hall, where she becomes a janitor. Between the two of them, they will survive.

"I'm getting married," Kenya announces excitedly. It's February 14, 2039. Valentine's Day. They've been in Defiance almost a year and a half.

"Congratulations," Amanda's smile is warm and sincere, "I wish you nothing but happiness, monkey."

Kenya's so happy she just squeals and hugs her big sister. They laugh and get drunk on Scotch. The months pass in a frenzy of activity as the whole town prepares for the marriage of one of their own beloved members and his beautiful bride. In late June of 2039, Kenya and Hunter get married.

Their marriage is far from untroubled. Pretty soon, it comes to light that Hunter's addicted to adreno, a new drug courtesy of the war. Then, in the spring of 2040, Kenya announces her pregnancy. It doesn't stick-in July of 2040, she comes home looking like a wraith, the spittting image of their mother, and tells Amanda she lost the baby. She doesn't cry for three weeks, and she never tells Amanda how she lost the baby, but Amanda knows in her heart it's because of Hunter.

2041. Amanda turns thirty, and she can't quite believe it. There's a huge party at Hunter's inn. That night, she witnesseses a fight between Hunter and Kenya where Hunter smacks her on the arm. Amanda frowns but says nothing; it's not her place. Though Kenya assures her that he doesn't hit her-much-Amanda can't help but feel relief when Hunter disappears.

"I want to be a prostitute," Kenya admits, one night in the summer of 2042, "I'm sick of owning the inn. I'm sick of being blamed for Hunter's death. I'm sick, period."

"Whatever makes you happy. Just be careful, monkey," Amanda knows it's pointless to argue, so she doesn't, and is rewarded by Kenya's large, genuine grin, as opposed to the saucier, flirtatious one she gives to others.

"I will," Kenya promises, hugging Amanda.

Three months later, in November of 2042, the Defiance Inn becomes the NeedWant.

**xXxXxXx**

Years pass. Amanda is made chief of staff, then mayor of Defiance, when her boss retires. Joshua Nolan stumbles into town, and he makes her heart race like Connor never did. The Volge happens, and people die. Amanda is hurt by phaser fire and will like have a scar on the point of impact. That's okay; now she'll have physical scars to match the emotional ones.

Time passes. She and Nolan grow closer, despite Connor's reappearance and then death in the plague that Nolan apologizes for despite it not being his fault. Amanda cries, and she mourns her ex-husband the way she never could fully love him in life.

Three months come around since Nolan showed up. The election is lost, and the Earth Republic shows up. Then one night, three months and a week since Nolan rolled into town, the night of the election, he comes, scared and shivering to her apartment, which she's been told she has three days to vacate.

"Irisa's missing," he explains numbly, "I got shot, and I have no wound, and Irisa's missing and I think I had a vision."

She checks him over, but he's right; he's fine. So they sit quietly and share a bottle of Scotch and she knows he's leaving her. That's okay; she knew it would happen eventually. Everyone leaves; her one constant is Kenya.

"Amanda," he looks up and her, like he's seeing the light, "Thank you. For everything."

She smiles fondly, "You're welcome."

When he hugs her, it's rough and emotional. When he pulls back, tips her chin up, and brushes his lips chastely over her own, she melts. It's nothing that could be considered completely unplatonic, but both know it's more than a friendly peck; it's a promise. A promise that despite the fact that he's leaving, he won't forget her, even if he never comes back. She appreciates that.

Nolan stays the night on her couch, and in the morning, he's gone, a note in his place expressing his thanks. For everything.

When Amanda rolls into the NeedWant to meet Kenya and finds her gone, she feels strangely calm. Isn't it prophecy that everyone leaves her? Nobody's seen Kenya in a while, and Amanda realizes she'd said goodbye the other night. It's not the first time Kenya's run away, but this feels final, and Amanda moves out of her apartment and into the NeedWant. She starts wearing Kenya's clothes, and after she redecorates the NeedWant, she becomes the new owner. She doesn't sell herself, but she might as well do so.

The new mayor is smarmy, and it's obvious he wants in her pants. Or skirt. Whatever. It's not gonna happen.

Nolan returns, and they fall into bed after he agrees to be Lawkeeper again. It's no surprise; they'd amped the flirtation. After they have sex, he holds her, stroking her hair.

"I wasn't going to come back," he admits.

"I know," she murmurs, "I figured."

"That doesn't bother you?" he's frowning.

She looks up, shrugs a little, "Of course it does. But that's life, Nolan. People leave. They always do."

He nods slowly, like he's realized something, and when he kisses her again it's soft, gentle, tender in a way nobody's ever been with her since her mother and father.

"I'll take you with me," he whispers, "I promise."

And for the first time, she believes in someone. She believes, despite the drugs and the downward spiral her life has taken, that it'll all be okay. She's not ready to admit that maybe she's in love with Nolan, but as long as she's with him, she'll be fine.

Now all she needs is Kenya back, and everything will be just right, like it's supposed to be.

She prays more than anything for her sister's safe return.


End file.
